Friday, January 30, 2009

Starting over again... and again... and again... and again...

I've dealt with depression since before I knew what it was, along with ADHD. And a bipolar diagnosis which stays mostly in the unipolar realm of clinical (chronic, debilatating, paralyzing) depression. I get stuck... a lot. Sometimes for months. Or for a couple of years. Like the last two.

I am divorced and live alone with my two cats Shen and Michael. I have an 11 year old daughter. I never wanted my marriage to desintegrate. And it was devistating for me to lose my family and life partner. I am horrible on my own. I've never been a self-starter nor a self-continuer. It seems I quit everything I start. And I desparately need to create a new life for myself. But I just keep rolling the same old rock back up the same old hill.

I don't find any reward in doing things for myself. When alone, I do very little of worth. When I am around others and doing things for them, I feel a lot different. There is at least some sense of satisfaction and at times joy. Like when I cook an actual meal for my daughter or my elderly parents, or when I give my dad a respite from caring for my dementia-ridden mom.

My daughter was born in 1997 when my marriage was completely unravelling. Prior to that event I had absolutely no instinct to reproduce. I was born the youngest out of five kids with my youngest and oldest siblings being 5 years and 15 years older, respectively. I never had to babysit or care for a younger sib. Back then I watched the population of my family dwindle down from five kids to one... me... long before I was ready to be out on my own. I felt abandoned and really alone.

To make a long story short, the birth of my daughter changed my life. Right before my eyes she appeared, as she was delivered from the safety of her mother's womb, and I remember vividly that my eyes spontaneously, and totally unexpectedly, filled with tears. She brought with her a whole new depth to my life, and with it a growing ability to see beyond myself. But the marriage was not to be saved. And after 4 years my daughter and her mom moved out.

Obsessed with my loss and aloneness, I could only pretend for so long at work that I was really doing something useful. After two leave-of-absences in 2005, I failed to regain my equilibrium, spiraled ever downward and crashed. I went AWOL from my software job. I turned off my phones, closed my bedroom door, and remained in bed for several days straight, except for bathroom breaks of course. I slept and slept, or tried to, as my 18-year programming career went up in smoke. I was terminated at the end of January 2006.

After numerous false starts at recovery, I still find myself unemployed. My home has morfed into an ominous cave littered with countless stacks of clutter rising from the floor and almost every other surface like so many slow growing stalagmites. I often let the dishes pile up until mold begins to grow on top of the watery swill. My finances are shrinking, and I lack the energy to think about what that means. I sleep, watch movies, and eat to forget, or to simply not think. It seems impossible to focus long enough to come up with a plan, or to actually stick with one if I did.

I need a community... a group of others who suffer and understand. I am looking.
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4 comments:

Gianna said...

oh...I do suggest if possible to find community in the real world as well as here online...it's a much more balanced existence..

and again, you write beautifully...keep at it.

Makinamotze said...

Welcome to New Directions! Be sure to come out for our forthcoming Wednesday outing. Check the website for info or contact me directly. My info should be with the Docs list I sent you. The outings are 98% social and usually a lot of fun. We'll get a chance to talk about my unexpected flirtation as a software author. It's a funny story, but I still see checks.

Pyrs said...

@Makinamotze

Thanks for the welcome, and for stopping by!

I will try to make the ND outings too. I would like to hear about your software writing experience. Thats right up my ally. But I doubt I'll ever return to it full time. It zapped the life out of me as a career.

However, I do enjoy doing the geek stuff if it helps someone directly. I've worked on contracts for the Navy, Social Security Administration, and FAA. And it made me feel battleship gray or government green all over.

See ya soon.

MakinaMotze said...

We'll talk next thursday night. Google "Dreckbak" for some background.